求打分,并且指出我的错误 题目是关于study and work from home,it is a positive

求打分,并且指出我的错误 题目是关于study and work from home,it is a positive or negative?
In the contemprary society,distance learning and working gains popularity amongst individuals,as it is the method that is time and money saving.In my opinion,this method should be promoted throughout companies and schools,since it is benefit for communities.
Some oppose distance working on the grounds that employers might do other things during work hours,such as babysitting and housework.There are no administrator who monitor workers at home,therefore,paperwork might not be done before deadline,as individuals are not usually self-conscious.Nevertheless,companies can manage workers through vedio talk or other methods to maintain and ensure the job is done .
However,the advantages of studying from home for students prevail over its disadvantages.Althrough leaners can not study by sitting in the class,they saved a great deal of time to do some extra work.For example,to earn some money during spare time.Therefore,time saving helps students and works to achieve more accomplishments.
Moreover,it saved a large amount of daily expenditure,both for employers and employees.As workers are on longer go out to work,therefore,cars,petrol,bus tickets are not needed.Additionally,employer does not have to pay for office rental as there are no one has to come to office.
Overall,distance learning and working is of benefit for students,employers and employees,as it is money and time saving and industries would solve how to manage the workers more properly by using their own methods.

1.as it is the method that is time and money saving
-as it is the method that time and money are saved
2.since it is benefit for communities
-since it is beneficial for communities
3.There are no administrator who monitor
-There is no administrator who can monitor
4.as individuals are not usually self-conscious
-self-conscious 不自在,自惭形秽 self-motivated （指学习,工作）自觉的
5.companies can manage workers through video talk or other methods to maintain and ensure the job is done .
-companies can manage workers through video conference or other methods to
ensure the work is done .
你想表达“视频通话”这个意思吗?可是一般不用 video talk ,既然是工作中的,video conference 应该更合适
maintain 维持（关系/某一个水平）,放在这里不合适
job 指的是【职业】的“工作” work 指的是体力或脑力劳动
6.they saved a great deal of time to do some extra work
-they can save a great deal of time to do some extra work
7.For example,to earn some money during spare time
-你另起了一句,可是这句没有主语.所以,最好跟前面一句合起来
they can save a great deal of time to do some extra work,like earning some money during their spare time.
或者：
they can save a great deal of time to,say,earn some money during their spare time
8.Therefore,time saving helps students and works to achieve more accomplishments
-Therefore,(saving a lot of time或者只要用it) helps students and workers to achieve more accomplishments
time saving 多用作形容词“省时的”
但我觉得,不需要再讲“省下了时间可以帮助……”,因为你前面一直在讲省时省时,有点啰嗦了
可以用一个现在分词直接接在前一句末尾：
they can save a great deal of time to,say,earn some money during their spare time,thus helping students and workers to achieve more accomplishments
9.it saved a large amount of daily expenditure
- it saves a large amount of daily expenditure
10.Additionally,employer does not have to pay for office rental as there are no one ……
-.Additionally,employers do not have to pay for office rental as there is no one……
11.and industries would solve how to manage the workers more properly by using their own methods.
-and industries would solve the problem how to manage ……
语法什么还是可以的,整篇文章中规中矩,没什么大毛病,但是也少了出彩的地方.
我觉得你可以从结构上入手提高一下你的写作,比如说这篇,你说你赞成studying and working from home,你就要把重点放在你赞成的点上,那些别人不赞成的原因只要略略提过一下即可.还有你赞成的理由,一是省时,这个一句话就可以说清的地方你费了太多笔墨,二是节省资源,这个点明显比前一个高段啊,可你略提了提就过了,这个可以从缓解交通、低碳节能、环境保护的多个角度来讲啊
至于评分,要看你是什么考试了,如果是公外四级,我觉得中等偏上,如果是六级,中等吧.
楼主加油,你基础不错,平常多背背范文,多练笔,还是会提高很快的
再问： 谢谢你噢，我是要去考雅思的，能大概多少分呢？
再答： 评分我不敢，因为我自己没参加过雅思考试，你可以找雅思培训机构的老师帮你 但是，我觉得……这个水平距离雅思作文高分还是有一段差距的 基于这篇作文，我觉得有几个点要提高下： 第一，议论文写作要求论据要够清晰有条理，你的论点太少，而且不够powerful 第二，词汇太简单了，特别是动词。外国人很讲究文章词汇的多样性，就是一个东词如果要多次提到，都会变换一个同样意思的词，英语不喜欢重复 第三，你的作文句型变化不大，从句很少，而且一般都是用比较简单的（你文章里用了好多次as 的原因状语从句，其实可以用什么for the reason that，seeing/considering/now that(放句首），或者用because of 后面把动词名词化等等）