2首英文诗总是感觉诗中有地方不对但是就是说不出来,还有些语法可能有问题大家帮着看看啊.还有第一首帮想个题目thanks.

2首英文诗
总是感觉诗中有地方不对但是就是说不出来,还有些语法可能有问题大家帮着看看啊.还有第一首帮想个题目thanks...
Looking at the surfy calmly
Feelling down inside my soul sorrowfully
Nothing special
Nothing Strange
Catching a glimpse of heaven casually
Rendering a lonely heart to me suddenly
Something wrong
Something shadowy
Wind teases my face,blow-drys my tears
Shine goes to my head,loses myself
My heart is melting,my thoughts are dying
Don't let my final fantasy become nothing
Never make anything seem hopeless to me
I pray to you,please...
My nation,my motherland,when I can touch your warm body again!
Jiang Andy Jonas
Aug.1,2008
Lonely at Sydney Harbour,Sydney,Australia
NO.93
I am standing here,seeing all the ruins.But I am thinking about you,all the ones on the No.93 flight...
－Notes
From Boston to Washington D.C.,maybe not so far,but so long
From life to death,perhaps not so hard,but so grand
From slient to conflict,probably not so wise,but so memorial
When the skyscrapers are falling down
When all of us are upset inside
When anthing seems hopeless at that momnent
That's you giving us the new wish
That's you standing up bravely
That's you moving us deeply as your strong courage
That's you taking the shadow in our heart away
Don't care about lives
Don't mind the death
Never falling back
Never be fear
People are crying,praying and shuting
But you are trying,planing and sacrificing
Momentary pain and momentary decision
Everlasting memory and everlasting mention...
You've lost in this planet forever as the plane crashes,but the affction you left won't be missed this way.The commendation for you won't be stopped and this event will be filed in history.
To memorize all the people on the No.93 flight.
Jiang Andy Jonas
July,15,2007
Gloomy at World Trade Center,NYC,USA
关于那个From Boston....
not so far是指距离
but so long是指时间上的漫长

Looking at the surfy calmly 第一句 错误. surfy -- spray 注视着浪花.应为名词
Don't let my final fantasy become nothing
表达不太地道. become nothing 改为 go up in smoke （化为乌有）或者vanish into nothing 较好.
第一首表达思乡之情吧.题目：dream back in motherland/ do you hear my cry?
I am standing here,seeing all the ruins注视着废墟用look at
When anthing seems hopeless at that momnent ..
anything ------all things
That's you giving us the new wish
that is -------it is
下面几句 雷同,都改过来
it is you, who bring us the new wish
it is you, who.
个人觉得这种句式好点,仅供参考额.
还有一个小的point ,以后写诗的时候可供参考
yet,whereas ,几个词的意思和BUT一样,可以交替使用,避免词类重复造成审美疲劳.
PS;诗很有韵味.